Subject : Duck Hunt Two men go duck hunting. They settle down in their hide and start waiting for the ducks. This gets rapidly boring for one of them so he reaches into his backpack and withdraws a bottle of 100 proof scotch. "Want some." he asks his mate. "No I've got to concentrate on hunting ducks." "O.K." he says and happily drains the bottle. They go back to watching for ducks. Again the man gets bored and gets from his backpack another bottle of scotch. "Want some." he asks again. "No, thanks" is his reply "Your loss." he says and happily drains the bottle. He's pretty sloshed by now, but goes back to help his friend watch for ducks. A minute later a single duck flies up. "Bang!!!" goes his mates gun. "Damm missed" his mate says. The man waves his gun in the general direction of the sky. "Bang!!!" his gun goes. He kills the duck straight. "Wow," his mate, "how did you do that??????" "Well," he replied , " when there's a whole flock you could hardly miss could you?" ---------------------------- Real Engineers... Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screw- drivers for their birthday. Real Engineers wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy. Real engineers have a non-technial vocbulary of 800 words. Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier. Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size. Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, tele- visions, watches, and automatic transmissions. Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Farenheit, 25 degrees Celius, and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day" Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a con- versation with a dail tone or busy signal. Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car". Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window. Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B. Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs. Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath. Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Philips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich. Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny. ========================================================================= Subject: Owls for your enjoyment ___ v v v ___ ___ <*,*> <*,*> <*,*> <`,'> <*,*> [`-'] [`-'] [`-'] [`-'] =~`-'~= -"-"- -"-"- -"-"- -"-"- " " owl punk owl owl with antlers chinese owl flying owl ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ <+,+> <@,@> <*,*> <-,-> <$,$> [`-'] [`-'] [`-'] [`-'] [`-'] -"-"- -"-"- -"--- -"-"- -"-"- drunk owl owl junkie one legged owl shrewd owl greedy owl _ ___ ___ _|||_ /_\ <#,#> <*,*> <*,*> [`-'] [`-'] [`-'] [`-'] -"-"- -"-"- -"-"- -"-"- T-V owl owl with glasses owl with top-hat owl with fez ___ ___ _____ _ <*,*> <*,*> /o \_/ | * * [`-// [`o'] [ _ | "owl" -"-"- -"-"- `-----' `-' owl with sling medalion owl surreal owl owl in cave owl ___ ___ <*,-> <*,*> [`-'] [`S'] -"-"- -"-"- confidential owl super owl ========================================================================= "The World's Worst Puns" (Reader's Digest article, 7/82) (Condensed from the book by John S. Crosbie) Much has been written about helping plants to grow by playing music or singing to them. Success has now been reported by a man who has been experimenting with obscene fern calls. At a local popular racket club, you have to book well ahead if you want to reserve a tennis court. One tennis enthusiast was so soncerned about not losing his booking that he left early from his wife's funeral. It was a case of putting the court before the hearse. Rabbit is a favorite dish in Paris. They raise them in the hutch back of Notre Dame. My greatest contribution to humor came when I taught my pet lizard to walk on its hind legs. It was the world's first stand-up chameleon. When the FBI arrested the head of a Mafia family, he turned out to be a very proud man and kept refusing to answer their questions. They grilled him all night without success but, finally, when morning came the don broke. An inexperienced butcher in northern Canada was asked by a hunter to cut up and package a huge moose. Never having seen one before, the young man nonetheless managed to get it cut into pieces and to parcel and label the obvious parts: steaks, chops, ribs, etc. He had a lot of pieces left over, however, that he couldn't identify. So he parceled each of them as well and marked them "Mooselaneous." It is a little known fact that many lighthouse keepers raise hens. Apparently, they like to have eggs with their beacon. ---------------------------------------------------- Reportedly heard over the loudspeakers on airplanes: ==================================================== ``Ladies and gentlemen, the captain is preparing for the final descent. Please return your stewardess to her full, upright position for landing ``Please return your seat-backs and tray-tables to their upright and most uncomfortable positions.'' ``So that you don't embarrass yourself by falling on your face in the aisle, please remain in your seats until the plane comes to a complete stop at the terminal.'' ``On behalf of airline, we'd like to welcome you to Bora-Bora, but instead we'll welcome you to to Los Angeles.'' ``If you are seated next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a child, put on your oxygen mask first '' ``There is no smoking in the aisles or lavatories. If you are caught smoking in the lavatories or the aisle, you will be asked to leave the aircraft once we reach 35,000 feet.'' ``Please check the overhead compartments for any personal belongings or small children you may have brought on board.'' After reading to the safety rules to the passengers after takeoff: ``If you do not follow these rules we will be forced to ask you to leave.'' ``We hope you have enjoyed flying with AirCal today, but if you haven't, this has been PSA flight 99 to San Francisco.'' >From a PSA captain: ``We hear that AirCal and American are going to merge. They're going to call the new airline CalCan.'' ``The captain has located the airport, so we've begun our descent into San Diego.'' ``Welcome to San Diego The Captain is a much better flyer than he is a driver so it would be in your best interests to remain seated until we screech to a full stop at the gate.'' ---------------------------------------------------- Hi there poetry lovers. Todays poem is entitled: A LOT HAS PASSED (OR GRADULATION) Now it's time to graduate, You feel nervous; a little amused. To think all that time spent studying, The things that'll never get used. You look back on all the years gone by, Was it worth the mental strain. And to know that many you graduate with, Have only half a brain. You've staid the course, you've done your part, Your head is crammed full of knowledge. Others think your head is crammed somewhere else, Or maybe just filled with porridge. It's time to go out, make your mark on the world, Let destiny fulfill it's obligation. "I can make a difference", you think to yourself, "Hmmm. Maybe right after vacation.". Your thoughts of ambition are suddenly shaken, When they call out your name aloud. "That's my little baby pooh!", Your mother shouts out from the crowd. Turning around with your arms in the air, "I'm going to set the world on fire", you decry. But, 6 months later you're heard to say, "Would you like an apple or cherry pie?". And so it seems; you've realized, Since that eve of graduation. It's not the rose of life you smell, Tis only FLATULATION! Ted Dowey MISEWD1@KENTVM ------------------------------------------------------------ From: Michael.Marsden@newcastle.ac.uk (Michael Marsden) Q: How do you get 30 Israelis into a telephone box? A: Tell them it's air-tight Q: How do you get 30 Americans into a telephone box? A: Tell them it's got oil in it Q: How do you get 30 French into a telephone box? A: Tell them it's not in Iraq Q: How do you get 30 Europeans into a telephone box? A: Tell them there's no fighting involved Q: How do you get 30 British politicians in a telephone box? A: Tell them there are votes in it Q: How do you get 30 Brits into a telephone box? A: Tell them it's safer than a Tornado Q: How do you get 30 British MI5 men into a telephone box? A: Tell them an Iraqi lives there Q: How do you get 30 British-resident Iraqis into a telephone box? A: Tell the MI5 men it's Pentonville Prison Q: How do you get 30 Russians into a telephone box? A: Tell them there's a slice of bread in it Q: How do you get 30 peace protesters into a telephone box? A: Tell them it's the American Embassy Q: How do you get 30 Turks into a telephone box? A: Tell them it's not an airbase, honest Q: How do you get 30 Kuwaitis into a telephone box? A: Tell them there's an Iraqi coming Q: How do you get 30 Iranians into a telephone box? A: Tell them to do it in the sacred name of Allah Q: How do you get 30 American Generals into a telephone box? A: Tell them it's a target of the Allied bombers Q: How do you get 30 reporters into a telephone box? A: Tell them it's in Baghdad Q: How do you get 30 Palestinians into a telephone box? A: Tell them if they do, you'll liberate the Occupied Territories Q: How do you get 30 telephone company engineers into a telephone box? A: You must be joking! You can't even get ONE in a telephone box... Q: How do you get 30 students into a telephone box? A: Make the other 70 homeless ----------------------------------------------------